Wednesday, April 22, 2015

The Reason For My Social Media Hiatus...

 So it's been a while, and while I was running today I tried to think of the words to say. And how to say it. Because it's still hard. And it still hurts. And even though this isn't my diary I feel a weird compulsion to put all my feelings on my blog. I know I don't owe an explanation for my absence and yet here I am.... 
  My husband and I were expecting our second child, I was over the moon excited. My husband has wanted another baby for a year and a half now and I was just getting on board with the idea, and starting to feel really happy about growing our family. Its crazy how quickly you can feel connected to such a tiny baby inside of you. 
  It was my 10 week appointment and we had the ultra sound scheduled. All of us got ready, including Grayson, our two year old, because I really wanted him to see the baby, and hear its heart beat. 
  So we get to the appointment and the lady starts doing the ultra sound. She put the jelly on my belly and felt around silently, for a long time... too long...i knew it was too long... until finally she wrote 'no heartbeat' up on the monitor. Right away I started bawling, how could this be real? How could this be happening?? It turned out the baby had passed at 8 weeks, however I was 10 weeks. 
   What's funny is I read a story right before this. talking about miscarriage. I had tears in my eyes telling my husband about it. It's always been one of my biggest fears. And when you have had a child yourself, it's even harder because you know what you're missing out on. 
  I'm sad for my baby I won't get to meet in this life. It's a heart breaking thing, this whole experience has made the term "heart broken" a very real thing (my heart has literally ached). But I am so beyond thankful for my son and my husband and without their support, I know I'd be a mess. My husband has been so caring and attentive throughout all of this, I couldn't have chosen a better man to be with. I am putting my faith first, trusting God's timeline, one of my favorite quotes has been "The Lord knows where each piece belongs, so that it fits into the plan."

Brittany Marie Powell

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